7 Steps to a Better Relationship

1. Understand that most people don’t intentionally want to upset you. Your loved ones don’t stay awake at night thinking of ways to tick you off. They are human and therefore will say things they don’t mean, not phrase their words properly, forget to do things you’ve asked and even act selfishly from time to time. It doesn’t mean they WANT to give you headache. Sometimes it is our responsibility to understand their weaknesses and help them by holding them accountable, reminding them, improving our communication skills and more importantly forgiving them.

Daddy, is this where you live?

Those 6 words shot through me like a flaming arrow. My first comment was “What are you talking about son, I am home every night?” Then my wife stepped in quickly, “Bob think about this; you leave the house before he wakes up and you come home after he is sleeping.” Wow! What the heck was I doing? Of course my first instincts were to justify my late nights at work with a comment like; “Well if you like the nice house and new cars and the ability to stay home with the kids we all have to sacrifice.”

What? My son has to sacrifice being with his father so I can have a nice house and fancy car? What the heck are you saying and whose Kool-Aid did you drink?

I am thick headed sometimes and I get caught up in doing the John Wayne or Clint Eastwood thing rather than doing the right thing. I had this mindset that being a good father meant I had to give him the best of all the worldly things. The big house, big cars, big salary and the Big screen TV all cost me a lot.

They cost me the first 5 years of my son’s life.

Couples! Listen up!!!!

When I talk about relationships, anger, and self esteem in my training seminars I almost always have someone come up to me and say; “Boy I wish my spouse was here to hear this”.

With the divorce in America at an all time high of 50% for first, 67% second and 74% for the third, we need our spouses to listen and listen carefully!

If you don’t take a long hard look at the condition of your relationship you may wind up on the wrong side of these statistics and not only will you and your spouse suffer your children WILL also! If you do have children and are not getting along with each other, you are teaching them how couples act and treat one another!

Stop taking each other for granted and Stop thinking that everything is fine just because you don’t hear your partner complain! Relationships do not fall apart over night, they are like anything else, it sometimes takes years of neglect before the damage becomes evident.

Today; as a matter of fact right now, start examining your relationship and since you may not have asked yourself the following questions let me help you;

• Do you still hold hands when you walk together?
• Do you still hug each other during the day? Do you think of ways to put a smile on their face?
• When was the last time you felt those “Butterflies” when you looked in their eyes?
• When was the last time you wrote a love letter?

Did I stir something up inside of you? If so Good!

If you know the passion has been waning in your relationship do something about it!
If you know someone who needs help in their relationship, Help them.

If it will help, download a copy of A No Nonsense Approach to a Passionate Relationship and send it to them. (Read it yourself first!) It is less than a price of a cup of coffee!

Whatever you do folks! If we really want to be successful in life and if we really want to be a good witness, we need to have our relationships healthy.

I will do my part, please do yours?

Let’s hear your comments!

Make Your Relationship Great!

Bob

PS. If you need some confidential help or direction drop me a line!

If you know of anyone that may benefit from this post please do them a favor and forward it to them.

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Are we quenching greatness in ourselves and our children? I think so.

The more I see people try to conform to the status quo, the more I see them quench their greatness and the more I see parents try to raise up an average child, the more I see them quench their greatness.

There is no such thing as an average person! We were not meant to be the same as everyone else. We were designed to be different; each of us having our own unique personalities, skills, gifts and traits. These differences when allowed to function without hindrances often result in greatness being displayed.

When that young computer geek is allowed to drop out of college and pursue that bigger than life dream to have a computer in every home we get Microsoft.

When that young boy is allowed to express himself freely by playing golf more than hitting the books, you get the Tiger Woods.

When the young girl with the overwhelming past is allowed to do what is inside of her, you get the Oprah Winfrey’s.

When the young man with a message inside is allowed and encouraged to share it, you get the Billy Graham’s and you get the Elvis Presley’s when those with a beat in their spirit are allowed to pursue the passion inside of them.

But what do I see?
I see the child who has a lot of energy and who jumps up and down with enthusiasm about an answer get classified as ADHD and given medicine. They then can’t wait to get out of school.

I see teens with the dream of something big be it acting or singing being told to come down to reality and get a real job, fall into a 9-5 they can’ stand.

I also see men and women who fall into the average life of status quo America settling for less than they deserve or even want.

Men and women who trade their dreams of seeing the world for a rocking chair because they are told to act their age and for some reason they feel they should.

Men and women who want to start that restaurant, or open that store who don’t because someone said they should sit and enjoy their golden years.

Folk we are different! Children are different! rather than focusing so much on what we believe are weaknesses, why not focus on their strengths and their passions. So what if a child never gets higher than a “C” in English. Maybe they are the next best Architect or Builder of their generation. So what if Grandma and Grandpa wants to start a business at 65, maybe they will start a Franchise like KFC as Colonel Sanders did.

Yes! Most definitely help each other grow in the areas they struggle with, but spend more time helping them soar in their strengths! Encourage them to live a life without regrets!

As for you; Follow that dream! Pursue that Passion, no matter how old you are!

In the comment section, why not dare to tell us your dreams and then tell us what is holding you back! Who knows maybe someone reading it will have the missing piece you are looking for!

A Child Shall Lead Them.

Wednesday I became a grandfather for the first time to a beautiful 8lb 14oz little girl. While my son and daughter in-law kept telling me they were going to have a daughter I would jokingly tell them, no its a boy. The longer the pregnancy went on past her due date, the more I would say, “It’s because he is a late bloomer and needs a little more time to develop”. Today I saw her for the first time. I sat on the couch for over an hour doing nothing; just sitting there allowing this gift from heaven to sleep on my chest. I must tell you, I haven’t “just sat” anywhere for a long time. This joyful experience led me to write today’s Blog.

When was the last time you did nothing? I mean really nothing? No books, no Ipods, no TV’s, no cell phones, no email. Nothing. When was the last time you just sat and enjoyed each other? Not thinking of work, the yard, the clothes or the bills; just each other. When was the last time you talked? Talked about the past, the present and yes even the future? When was the last time you shared your dreams and even your fears? When was the last time you planned fun into your life?

If we aren’t careful we may find ourselves spending more time running after things than we should. We can spend more time cleaning and cooking for our our loved ones than we do laughing, crying and learning with them. We can spend more time preparing for their future than we do enjoying their present.

Life is about doing our best to become our best so that we can develop the gifts and talents we have into skills and to use those skills to make this world a better place…… starting at home with the ones we love and then sharing them with others.

This week why don’t you take a minute and think about your loved ones? When was the last time you enjoyed them and when was the last time they enjoyed you? Really enjoyed?

A successful life has balance. Balance between what we do for a living and who we are. It’s about having a solid personal life and a strong professional life; each one complimenting the other, never competing. Your professional life should be a tool that brings joy, happiness and comfort to your personal life and your personal life should be one that allows for growth and development in your profession. When they compete it is because they are out of balance.

My granddaughter reminded me that life is about balance and we all need to slow down once in a while to enjoy the blessings God has already given us before we start looking for more.

Happy Birthday Alayna Nicole Wagner and thanks for the lesson in life.

G-Bob

Learning to Listen

Author Unknown We all know what it’s like to get that phone call in the middle of the night. This night was no different. Jerking up to the ringing summons, I focused on the red, illuminated numbers of my clock. It was midnight and panicky thoughts filled my sleep-dazed mind as I grabbed the receiver. ‘Hello?’ My heart pounded, I gripped the phone tighter and eyed my husband, who was now turning to face my side of the bed. ‘Mum?’ The voice answered. I could hardly hear the whisper over the static. But my thoughts immediately went to my daughter. When the desperate sound of a young crying voice became clear on the line, I grabbed for my husband and squeezed his wrist. ‘Mum, I know it’s late. But don’t … don’t say anything until I finish. And before you ask, yes I’ve been drinking. I nearly ran off the road a few miles back and…’ I drew in a sharp, shallow breath, released my husband and pressed my hand against my forehead. Sleep still fogged my mind, and I attempted to fight back the panic. Something wasn’t right. ‘… and I got so scared. All I could think of was how it would hurt you if a policeman came to your door and said I’d been killed. I want to come home. I know running away was wrong. I know you’ve been worried sick. I should have called you days ago but I was afraid, afraid …’ Sobs of deep-felt emotion flowed from the receiver and poured into my heart. Immediately I pictured my daughter’s face in my mind, and my fogged senses seemed to clear, ‘I think …. ‘ ‘No! Please let me finish! Please!’ She pleaded, not so much in anger, but in desperation. I paused and tried to think what to say. Before I could go on, she continued. ‘I’m pregnant, Mum. I know I shouldn’t be drinking now … especially now, but I’m scared, Mum. So scared!’ The voice broke again, and I bit into my lip, feeling my own eyes fill with moisture. I looked up at my husband, who sat silently mouthing, ‘Who is it?’ I shook my head and when I didn’t answer, he jumped up and left the room, returning seconds later with a portable phone held to his ear. She must have heard the click in the line because she asked, ‘Are you still there? Please don’t hang up on me! I need you. I feel so alone.’ I clutched the phone and stared at my husband, seeking guidance. ‘I’m here, I wouldn’t hang up,’ I said. ‘I should have told you, mum. I know I should have told you. But, when we talk, you just keep telling me what I should do. You read all those pamphlets on how to talk about sex and all, but all you do is talk. You don’t listen to me. You never let me tell you how I feel. It is as if my feelings aren’t important. Because you’re my mother you think you have all the answers. But sometimes I don’t need answers. I just want someone to listen.’ I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared at the how-to-talk-to-your-kids pamphlets scattered on my nightstand. ‘I’m listening,’ I whispered.

‘You know, back there on the road after I got the car under control, I started thinking about the baby and taking care of it. Then I saw this phone booth and it was as if I could hear you preaching to me about how people shouldn’t drink and drive. So I called a taxi. I want to come home.’ ‘That’s good honey,’ I said, relief filling my chest. My husband came closer, sat down beside me and laced his fingers through mine. ‘But you know, I think I can drive now.’ ‘No!’ I snapped. My muscles stiffened and I tightened the clasp on my husband’s hand.
‘Please, wait for the taxi. Don’t hang up on me until the taxi gets there.’ ‘I just want to come home, Mum.’ ‘I know. But do this for your Mum. Wait for the taxi, please.’ I listened to the silence in fear. When I didn’t hear her answer, I bit into my lip and closed my eyes. Somehow I had to stop her from driving. ‘There’s the taxi now.’ Only when I heard someone in the background asking about a Yellow Cab did I feel my tension easing. ‘I’m coming home, Mum.’ There was a click, and the phone went silent. Moving from the bed, tears forming in my eyes, I walked out into the hall and went to stand in my 16-year-old daughter’s room. My husband came from behind, wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head. I wiped the tears from my cheeks. ‘We have to learn to listen,’ I said to him. He studied me for a second, and then asked, ‘Do you think she’ll ever know she dialed the wrong number?’ I looked at our sleeping daughter, then back at him. ‘Maybe it wasn’t such a wrong number.’ ‘Mum, Dad, what are you doing?’ The muffled voice came from under the covers. I walked over to my daughter, who now sat up staring into the darkness. “We’re practicing,” I answered. “Practicing what?’” she mumbled and lay back on the mattress, but her eyes already closed in slumber. “Listening,” I whispered and brushed a hand over her cheek.

String Beans and Fruit

I had a discussion with my nephew last week about vegetables. We talked about their health benefits and in doing so I mentioned string beans. My nephew stopped me and said I can’t count string beans as a vegetable because they were a fruit just like the tomato. I said that is ridiculous, everyone knows that string beans are vegetables and to prove my point I began to poll the people sitting around us in the restaurant. EVERYONE agreed with me. Of course I got the wobbly head syndrome and said, “There you go smarty-pants what do you have to say to that?” His reply was “Well, everyone is wrong.” This debate went on for the entire meal and person after person agreed with me that it was simply ridiculous to think that string beans were fruits and not vegetables. This leads me to today’s Blog.

One reason we have disagreements with people is because in our minds we create this mold that we think all people must fit into and if they do not fit into this mold we say something is wrong with them. We have this preconceived notion of the way people should talk, dress and act and we have standards we put in place that we measure them by. If people do not measure up to our standards, we often critique them in a negative way. If they don’t do something the way we would we get upset. If they dress different or cut their hair different we say they are weird and if they are not as good at something as us we elevate ourselves and in the process we lower them. We even classify them based on the job they have or the type of house they live in. This should not be folks. Who are we to create a mold for a person and then expect them to fit into our mold? Shouldn’t we first realize that God created them and He is the one who should set the standard? We should accept people as they are, love them and help them become what God wants them to be, not what we want them to be. If we spent more time loving people as they are, understanding that is how God made them and spend less time trying to squish them into our self-made mold we won’t get upset near as often. Me? I tried to fit something as simple as a bean into a mold I made and even though I had everyone agree with me, everyone including myself was wrong.

String beans are fruits. Love people just the way they are, eat your greens and then…. Have a wonderful week!

Discipline or Punish?

Discipline or Punishment By Bob Wagner I often have parents come to me and ask; “What do I do with my child? I whip them, I send them to their room, I take away their toys, I yell and scream and it doesn’t work; if I hit them any harder they will arrest me for child abuse. What can I do?” My reply is always the same, “Stop punishing them when they do things wrong and start disciplining them.” The parents at this point usually get that “Deer in the headlight” look and say, “What do you mean?” I then begin to explain that most parents believe that punishment and discipline have the same meaning but that is far from the truth. Let’s take a look: Discipline: Old French, from Latin disciplina teaching, learning, from disciples pupil. Training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. Punish: Middle French puniss-, stem of punir, from Latin punire, from poena penalty to impose a penalty on for a fault, offense, or violation a : to inflict a penalty for the commission of (an offense) in retribution or retaliation to deal with roughly or harshly b : to inflict injury on. There is a big difference between training and imposing a penalty or inflicting injury on a person. A child should be punished ONLY AFTER all forms of teaching are exhausted and when used in conjunction with teaching. Punishing your child is the easy way out, or is it? If punishment is the primary disciplinary action to bring correction to a situation, you are teaching your children that they are not to do things because of fear of receiving pain or losing something they enjoy rather then because it is wrong. Paddle them and in 15 minutes the pain is gone, take away the toy and in 15 minutes they forget about it. Teach them and it will always be in their mind forever. The bible tells parents not to provoke their children to anger. When you spank your child or take away something they like you will cause the child to get angry. Angry children do not want to get close to the ones who hurt them and actually distance themselves from the parent causing the pain. Once a child gets angry two things can happen; They can direct that anger toward the parents and that will usually cause them to be punished more, thus resulting in more anger and/or they begin to direct their anger someplace else; they may throw things, or kick, punch and hit. I knew a child that would slap himself when he did things wrong, (I guess he knew it would eventually come from his parents and he wanted to beat them to it). Some children become bullies and take their anger out on the playground or at school. They hit and yell at the other children who do things they think are wrong. Hmm, I wonder where they picked that habit up. It may be easy to punish your children, but trust me; you will spend more time later in the principles office, the lawyer’s office, and the therapists or councilor’s office trying to change your child’s destructive behavior then you will be by teaching them correctly the first time. Punishment rarely works If you ever had to punish your child more than one or two times for the same thing it is because the child didn’t learn. They didn’t learn because they weren’t taught properly. To prove that punishment by itself does not work, all we have to do is look at our prison system. According to an article by Crime.org, in 1980, as many as 27,000 parolee violators returned to prisons. By 2000, this number increased to 203,000. This amount represents a 652 percent increase. While many government prison rehabilitation programs report only a 20% success rate, programs that center on teaching have an 80% or better success rate. Parents; Don’t use an unsuccessful program as a guideline to correct your child. If what you are doing is not working, try something else! Discipline takes time and effort. It takes time to sit down with a child and teach them on their level all the reasons they should not behave in negative ways. It takes time to change techniques when we see they are not grasping what we are saying and it takes effort to be creative enough to get through to them. Most parents are not willing to invest the time and effort into their children so they settle for the quick way out by saying things like, “Go to your room!” or they use the back of their hand. If that is you, I suggest you take the time to teach, make the effort to get through. Do what it takes and you will be glad you did. If you don’t, you are gambling with your loved one’s life and future! So when do I punish? Use punishment AFTER you have exhausted all other means to get through to your child. As far as physical punishment such as spanking, I have only had to physically punish my children a few times in over 21 years of parenting and in those cases it was always when time was of the essence. For example, if a child is reaching for a hot stove, I would rather have them feel the pain from a slap on their hand than to be burned. If I had taken the time to teach them about being burned before that incident it may never have occurred. (I could have possibly taken a piece of chicken meat and showed them what would happen to their hand by holding the meat on the burner.) Teach through punishment When you have to punish, you must always teach the child why they are being punished. They must understand that the punishment is one of the consequences for not following the rules, but they must first know and understand the rules. Have them tell you why they are being punished and what behavior will prevent it from happening again. Have them also tell you why they should not do the wrong thing and the answer should not be because they will get punished. You can choose not to speed because you cannot afford the price of a ticket or you can choose not to speed because you can loose control and get in an accident that can cause injury and death to yourself or others. (I once met a man who said he can speed because he could afford the tickets!!) Example of discipline triumphing over punishment. I had a young girl in my youth group that was caught ‘Huffing” Freon from the churches A/C unit. (Huffing is when you release an air conditioners Freon into a baggie and then inhale it. It will cause the oxygen to your brain to freeze and give you a few seconds of lightheadedness.) I was the one who had to inform her parents of what their child did and the dangers of her actions. Of course her parents were outraged and wanted to ground her for months. I asked the father to try something different instead. Rather then using punishment as a deterrent, I suggested he make his daughter go online and do research on the dangers of “Huffing” and then write a report on the matter that she found so enjoyable. A week later, I got a call from the girl asking if she can read her report to the entire youth group. She shared about the dangers of possible immediate death, the destruction of brain cells and bone marrow, becoming mentally unstable and physically handicapped. She did so with such passion, she convinced all of her peers to stay away and help others to do the same. Today she is a student at UNC Wilmington and desires to go into the ministry. Love them through punishment and discipline Always make sure that your love for the child is evident through the entire process. Never treat the child like an outcast or enemy. Never say things like, “Get out of my face” or “I can’t stand you”. Remember words hurt and they also influence a child’s self esteem. You can be loving, kind and firm at the same time. You don’t have to yell and scream or act like some Ogre or mean old witch to teach your children how to do right. Words like, “Get your butt in here” or “Sit down and shut up” are not words filled with kindness and love. Who wants to learn from someone like that anyway? I stay away from people who talk like that and to be honest, if you are going to talk to me like that, even if I did something wrong, I will not pay any attention to a thing your saying. Remember Charlie Brown when the parents talked? All you heard was, “Wa, wa, wa”. That is what your children hear when you speak negatively. Besides when you speak like that you teach your children to do the same. Remember “NO!” means the same as “no” and “Please come here, sit down and be quiet for a few minutes” means that same as “Sit down and Shut up!” You are not the child’s enemy, don’t act like one. It is fine to discipline your children and hug and loved on them while they were being punished and taught As a matter of fact when you have to discipline them, that is a time when you should intentionally get closer so they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was their actions you didn’t like, not them. No matter how old we get, not matter how intelligent we become, we will make mistakes and do things wrong. Can you imagine your boss putting you in the time out corner because you came in late again or seeing a police officer with a person he just pulled for speeding over his knee getting a spanking? That is humiliating at any age. Teach your children, love them and build them up. They are gift from God. Be understanding when they mess up. Remember we adults mess up too, we have just figured out how to shift the blame or hide our mistakes better then they have. If you enjoyed this article and would like to join our free newsletter visit www.bobwagner.org